...of Happily Ever After.

You know what I want? I want to experience a fairy tale romance. I want to know what it's like to be someone's "dream come true". I want to know what it's like to put on a fancy, elegant gown and be swung around a ballroom dance floor. I want to know how it feels to be a damsel in distress and have someone save me from terror. I want to know what it's like to have one "true love's kiss" and instantly know it will last forever. I want to know what it's like to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. And i want to know what is it like to have a big, fancy, huge wedding in a castle by a gorgeous lake and live happily ever after. But, no. Life here is not like that. Love here, is not like that. It is just plain and dull. It's not that die hard romance you see in movies. Why can't it be? It honestly cannot be that hard.. I just want to be made to feel special and feel as if you are the top priority and that you are the only thing they could ever need. I want to be told that I am someone's princess. I want a love that's pure romantic. I want my happily ever after.

...of Barely Missing the Mark.

Sometimes I wonder how close I was to being something better. How close I was to getting a higher place setting. How close I was to catching that someone's eye. How close I was to having the one you love love you back. How close I was to acheiving a goal. Whatever it may be. How ever many it may be. I just wonder how many times I've come so close to having it. Like, what could I have done to make it different? What could I have done to complete it? If I had done one thing differently would I have achieved it? And if so, would I have been happier? Sadder? The same? What? I just wonder what my life would be like if I made biggers risks. Or chose something I normally wouldn't for a change. I have no regrets. And I want to keep it that way. I've heard it said before that most regrets come from not doing something rather than doing it. I don't want that to happen. I want to live life fully and regret free. What can I do to make sure that happens? Or at least try my hardest. I want genuine happiness out of life. However that may happen. Whatever be the cause. I just want it. Another short one.. Sorry.

...of Sideline Pain.

I think most of us could agree that watching someone you love, or care for, suffer is one of the greatest pains in life. Whether they are sick, or have someone stolen from them or a broken heart. It all hurts. Because nothing you can say will ever be enough. And you know you won't know how they personally feel. Because everyone feels pain differently. My least favorite is to see someone have someone they love stolen from them. I know how bad it feels to lose someone you love. It's close to unbearable sometimes. And to have to sit there and watch someone go through what you had to, is heartbreaking. You know that no matter what you say won't take the pain away. It may decrease it somewhat. But it's not going away. Not for a while. I hate that there's nothing I can do. Ya know? It kills me to have to watch them hurt like that. I wish there was more I could do for them. :/

..of Temptations.

I'm sure everyone has this happen but, have you ever had someone you know that you shouldn't talk to but you couldn't fight the temptation? Because they made things more special and somehow made you feel important? You couldn't help to want to talk to at any moment of desperation or sadness. Because you knew they'd instantly make you feel better. It just came so natural. What can you do to stop yourself from saying hello? How do you hold yourself back? At the happiest moments in your life you give them no thoughts whatsoever then one moment of hopelessness cracks you and you give in. How do you fight and stay strong in those low moments? You know your life will be easier without them but is it worth the lonliness? ...Just rambling again. Why do the ones where I ramble be the shortest ones? lol oh well.

...of Pondering Opinions.

I wish I could see how people viewed me. I wish I could be in someone else's body, just for a day, to see what they see. Would I think different of how i view myself? Would I think more highly of myself? And with that said, I wonder what it is people see. I have high view points of some people and sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks like that of me? It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as can be. I just always wonder how people see me. Ya know? I deep down secretly want to be scene in good ways. We all do. But I'm secretly deep down, actually a very girly thinker. When it comes to this. I secretly love to be told I am pretty, whether I disagree with you anyway. I secretly love to be told when I look cute in an outfit. I would love to know if people think that I'm fun to be around or not. I would love to know if they think I'm cool to talk to. And I would love to know if people truly think I'm talented with things. My art, my singing, my dancing, anything. Do people think I'm good at anything and will make something of myself one day? I guess it's just one of those sets of questions that you'll never know the answer to. I'll just go on with life wondering. And I guess I'm okay with that. I'm not sure if I'd want to know the answer anyway. Haha.

...of Ease.

I sometimes forget how truly blessed I am. I have people who love me, a roof over my head, food and shelter. HELL, I'm writing this laying in. my. bed. There is someone right now sleeping on the cold, hard ground. Right now, there is someone fighting for their life. Right now, someone just died. Right now, a baby was just born to a set of unstable parents. And right now, someone is fighting for us. The world is so much bigger than just me. Than just you and I. Why am I so selfish sometimes and forget that I have it GREAT compared to so many out there? I'm constantly complaining about my life and I've got it easy. It's so crazy to know that.. That I have it easy. If that's true, some people have it disastrous. That's just so awful to know.. That makes the statement "Dont't judge someone until you've been in their shoes. Everyone's fighting their own battle" extremely, completely true. I want to do better of thinking how I have it easier. Because if I know it to be true, then why can't it just be that simple to do? I have to.. For those who can't. I want to be an example of someone who knows that I've got it good and fight for those who don't have it better. I want to be there for those who have barely a fighting chance. I want to make that difference.

...of the Uncomplete.

So, I went through all my junk this past week and I came across an old notebook. Inside this notebook, was a New Year's Resolution List. A list of things I was supposed to accomplish this year. Here it is: September. Four months till this year ends, and I've done maybe a third. What is it that never makes me finish my goals? I never come through. Why not? It's not like they're super super hard. I also have a list of EIGHT things I was supposed to do this summer. I did one and a half. One and a half! How ridiculous is that? Why can't I keep the goals I make to myself? What would it take for me to actually do these things I say I will? I would really like to know. Because some of these I really want to do. Where is my will power to do them if I want to do them so bad? What am I gonna do..?

....of the Disasters of Envy.

Jealousy. We all want what the other has. It may not be a big thing. It may not even be anything anyone cares about. Whether it be an object they have, a lifestyle they live, or maybe a relationship. Not necessarily the person, i mean yeah that very well easily could be it, but just the way the are with the person. Like just the stuff between them. Whatever it may be, it happens to all of us. Even the best of us. It may just be a subconcious thing and you may not even notice for a while. It's still there. It can be good or bad. More bad then good. I'm very guilty at this. I've seen people in relationships and thought "Aww. I wish I could have one like that." I've definitely wanted an object someone had. We all have. And lifestyle? Absolutely. I know many people I think "I wish I could live their life just one day to see what it's like." Also, I'll admit, I've been jealous of someone having a relationship with someone I want. Many times actually. It sucks. The biggest one for me though, is jealousy of other people's talents. Art, Singing, Dancing, Music ability, Sports. I'm jealous of so many people for being better than I. Even though I know their will always be someone better than you. At anything. It's just life. That's how it is. I hate getting these feelings. I wish we didn't get them. It's another one of those inevitable things though. For now, I guess I'll just try and work on it and think how well, maybe someone out there feels this way about me. I wonder..

...of Broken Expectations.

This will probably be a short one. But I have to get this out. Expectations. They suck. So bad. Why must we make them? It's as if they're inevitable almost. Even if you try not to make them, you still end up making them. But to make one, and to have it broken. It's the worst feeling. It lets you down. It disappoints you. And slowly changes your mind about them. Why does it have to be so hard to expect nothing? Even Sir William Shakespeare knew. "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I mean if you had no expectation then you'd have no reason to be let down, right? Why can't it just be that simple? I'm just so tired of being let down. There's no way to avoid it though. I just need to find a way to stop making them. It's too hard afterwards.

...of Once Upon A Time.

What ever happened to geniune love? The kind of love that gave you butterflies in your stomach. What happened to the moonlight stroll on the beach, laying out under the stars just because, always and forever kind of love? The kind of love that just the sound of their voice made your toes curl. It used to be people got married as a teenager. They were all so young. And they lasted a lifetime. What happened to that? These days, people get divorced more than getting and staying married. Why? What's so different now that you can't work it out and keep it together? Don't you dare blame it on "different times" because it was even harder then. Just what happened to happy love? Irreconcilible differences is the big one these days. Yes, people disagree. Always. That's ANY kind of relationship. Good, bad, or whatever. To divorce for that, though. Really? I mean, I'd understand if it was for adultry. But that? Yes. Relationships are hard. I know that and I'm 17. But, I have a hard time believing that differences are irreconcilible. You loved them once. What happened? There was some reason you fell in love with them or you would not have married them. Just hold on to that. Think back to the day you were happiest with them. Look back at photos and videos. Especially from the wedding. Think of all the memories you have made along the way. If you believe in those memories, they'll bring you back together. Just remember why you fell in love with them. Shouldn't that be enough?

...of Waiting.

My grandfather is in the hospital. He's not doing all that well. And he's been in for a week and a half and counting. Well, I was talking to a friend about it. And he was helping and all and giving me advice(which didn't work because i already knew all of it, but it was a sweet gesture). And he told me that the hard part is accepting that something very well could happen. I get where he's coming from and all, but I... disagree. That's not the hard part. For me, that's the easy part. If I had a checklist, that would be top three. I've already accepted that something could happen. Do I want it to? Absolutely not. Of course not. But, I've already long accepted that something could. He's old and anything's possible. For me, the harder part is.. waiting. Waiting for it to happen. Or waiting for healing and improvement. Whichever. It kills me to know that where it sits right now it could go either way. I need to know. I hate not knowing. I hate it. Also, the other hard part is not being able to be there. Spend time while you have it. He's too far away and I can't go see him. I hate not knowing what's going on at all times. That's the kind of person I am. I hate not knowing. I just wish I could be there at his side. Like he was for me all my life.