..of the Girl With Massive Trust Issues.

Sorry, it's been quite a while since I last wrote, I've been terribly busy :/. Anyway, today I'm gonna talk about trust and the affect it has. I trust two people wholeheartedly. (Excluding family of course). Only two. One of you will read this. The other probably won't. And the sad thing is one of them I've never even met. (Now you definitely know haha) Out of 6 billion people in this world only two i totally, completely trust. But now.. there may be three. But is a different kind of trust. A trust I have never known before. The kind of trust that could easily be broken but you still have it. It's a really hard thing to do. To gain my trust. Not an easy task. But it could be an amazing thing once you have it. If you don't abuse it. Well, this new person I think I trust I never thought it would happen. As it never has before. But there is something about you that makes me let my guard down when I'm around you. And it may not be a good thing because we have that kind of relationship that any one little thing could disintegrate that trust. But as it stands right now, you have it. And it's really scary to realize that. Because trust is either kept or broken. And I really don't want it to break. I think I like the idea of trusting you. Knowing that you could up and leave but trusting you not to. I'm so scared to but I think I may. I just really hope you don't break it.. I'm more fragile than I let on. More fragile than you may think.

...of A Mini Epiphany.

Today, I had a mini epiphany. It turns out, I. am. going. to. be. okay. It may be hard at times. In fact, it probably will be really hard at times. I will go into remission several times missing you. But, it's all going to be okay. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It hurts, I'm not going to lie. But, I'll get past it.. But, now, I can do more things that I meant to. I can do things for me. I can focus on my dreams and not have to worry about pleasing anyone. I can figure out what it means to be Kaycie. Because it changed while I was with you. I got dependent. Now, I get to figure out who I am as my own person. My emotions will be all over the place for a while, but I will be okay. I know I will.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger right?

...of Happily Ever After.

You know what I want? I want to experience a fairy tale romance. I want to know what it's like to be someone's "dream come true". I want to know what it's like to put on a fancy, elegant gown and be swung around a ballroom dance floor. I want to know how it feels to be a damsel in distress and have someone save me from terror. I want to know what it's like to have one "true love's kiss" and instantly know it will last forever. I want to know what it's like to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. And i want to know what is it like to have a big, fancy, huge wedding in a castle by a gorgeous lake and live happily ever after. But, no. Life here is not like that. Love here, is not like that. It is just plain and dull. It's not that die hard romance you see in movies. Why can't it be? It honestly cannot be that hard.. I just want to be made to feel special and feel as if you are the top priority and that you are the only thing they could ever need. I want to be told that I am someone's princess. I want a love that's pure romantic. I want my happily ever after.

...of Barely Missing the Mark.

Sometimes I wonder how close I was to being something better. How close I was to getting a higher place setting. How close I was to catching that someone's eye. How close I was to having the one you love love you back. How close I was to acheiving a goal. Whatever it may be. How ever many it may be. I just wonder how many times I've come so close to having it. Like, what could I have done to make it different? What could I have done to complete it? If I had done one thing differently would I have achieved it? And if so, would I have been happier? Sadder? The same? What? I just wonder what my life would be like if I made biggers risks. Or chose something I normally wouldn't for a change. I have no regrets. And I want to keep it that way. I've heard it said before that most regrets come from not doing something rather than doing it. I don't want that to happen. I want to live life fully and regret free. What can I do to make sure that happens? Or at least try my hardest. I want genuine happiness out of life. However that may happen. Whatever be the cause. I just want it. Another short one.. Sorry.

...of Sideline Pain.

I think most of us could agree that watching someone you love, or care for, suffer is one of the greatest pains in life. Whether they are sick, or have someone stolen from them or a broken heart. It all hurts. Because nothing you can say will ever be enough. And you know you won't know how they personally feel. Because everyone feels pain differently. My least favorite is to see someone have someone they love stolen from them. I know how bad it feels to lose someone you love. It's close to unbearable sometimes. And to have to sit there and watch someone go through what you had to, is heartbreaking. You know that no matter what you say won't take the pain away. It may decrease it somewhat. But it's not going away. Not for a while. I hate that there's nothing I can do. Ya know? It kills me to have to watch them hurt like that. I wish there was more I could do for them. :/

..of Temptations.

I'm sure everyone has this happen but, have you ever had someone you know that you shouldn't talk to but you couldn't fight the temptation? Because they made things more special and somehow made you feel important? You couldn't help to want to talk to at any moment of desperation or sadness. Because you knew they'd instantly make you feel better. It just came so natural. What can you do to stop yourself from saying hello? How do you hold yourself back? At the happiest moments in your life you give them no thoughts whatsoever then one moment of hopelessness cracks you and you give in. How do you fight and stay strong in those low moments? You know your life will be easier without them but is it worth the lonliness? ...Just rambling again. Why do the ones where I ramble be the shortest ones? lol oh well.

...of Pondering Opinions.

I wish I could see how people viewed me. I wish I could be in someone else's body, just for a day, to see what they see. Would I think different of how i view myself? Would I think more highly of myself? And with that said, I wonder what it is people see. I have high view points of some people and sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks like that of me? It doesn't have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as can be. I just always wonder how people see me. Ya know? I deep down secretly want to be scene in good ways. We all do. But I'm secretly deep down, actually a very girly thinker. When it comes to this. I secretly love to be told I am pretty, whether I disagree with you anyway. I secretly love to be told when I look cute in an outfit. I would love to know if people think that I'm fun to be around or not. I would love to know if they think I'm cool to talk to. And I would love to know if people truly think I'm talented with things. My art, my singing, my dancing, anything. Do people think I'm good at anything and will make something of myself one day? I guess it's just one of those sets of questions that you'll never know the answer to. I'll just go on with life wondering. And I guess I'm okay with that. I'm not sure if I'd want to know the answer anyway. Haha.

...of Ease.

I sometimes forget how truly blessed I am. I have people who love me, a roof over my head, food and shelter. HELL, I'm writing this laying in. my. bed. There is someone right now sleeping on the cold, hard ground. Right now, there is someone fighting for their life. Right now, someone just died. Right now, a baby was just born to a set of unstable parents. And right now, someone is fighting for us. The world is so much bigger than just me. Than just you and I. Why am I so selfish sometimes and forget that I have it GREAT compared to so many out there? I'm constantly complaining about my life and I've got it easy. It's so crazy to know that.. That I have it easy. If that's true, some people have it disastrous. That's just so awful to know.. That makes the statement "Dont't judge someone until you've been in their shoes. Everyone's fighting their own battle" extremely, completely true. I want to do better of thinking how I have it easier. Because if I know it to be true, then why can't it just be that simple to do? I have to.. For those who can't. I want to be an example of someone who knows that I've got it good and fight for those who don't have it better. I want to be there for those who have barely a fighting chance. I want to make that difference.

...of the Uncomplete.

So, I went through all my junk this past week and I came across an old notebook. Inside this notebook, was a New Year's Resolution List. A list of things I was supposed to accomplish this year. Here it is: September. Four months till this year ends, and I've done maybe a third. What is it that never makes me finish my goals? I never come through. Why not? It's not like they're super super hard. I also have a list of EIGHT things I was supposed to do this summer. I did one and a half. One and a half! How ridiculous is that? Why can't I keep the goals I make to myself? What would it take for me to actually do these things I say I will? I would really like to know. Because some of these I really want to do. Where is my will power to do them if I want to do them so bad? What am I gonna do..?

....of the Disasters of Envy.

Jealousy. We all want what the other has. It may not be a big thing. It may not even be anything anyone cares about. Whether it be an object they have, a lifestyle they live, or maybe a relationship. Not necessarily the person, i mean yeah that very well easily could be it, but just the way the are with the person. Like just the stuff between them. Whatever it may be, it happens to all of us. Even the best of us. It may just be a subconcious thing and you may not even notice for a while. It's still there. It can be good or bad. More bad then good. I'm very guilty at this. I've seen people in relationships and thought "Aww. I wish I could have one like that." I've definitely wanted an object someone had. We all have. And lifestyle? Absolutely. I know many people I think "I wish I could live their life just one day to see what it's like." Also, I'll admit, I've been jealous of someone having a relationship with someone I want. Many times actually. It sucks. The biggest one for me though, is jealousy of other people's talents. Art, Singing, Dancing, Music ability, Sports. I'm jealous of so many people for being better than I. Even though I know their will always be someone better than you. At anything. It's just life. That's how it is. I hate getting these feelings. I wish we didn't get them. It's another one of those inevitable things though. For now, I guess I'll just try and work on it and think how well, maybe someone out there feels this way about me. I wonder..

...of Broken Expectations.

This will probably be a short one. But I have to get this out. Expectations. They suck. So bad. Why must we make them? It's as if they're inevitable almost. Even if you try not to make them, you still end up making them. But to make one, and to have it broken. It's the worst feeling. It lets you down. It disappoints you. And slowly changes your mind about them. Why does it have to be so hard to expect nothing? Even Sir William Shakespeare knew. "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I mean if you had no expectation then you'd have no reason to be let down, right? Why can't it just be that simple? I'm just so tired of being let down. There's no way to avoid it though. I just need to find a way to stop making them. It's too hard afterwards.

...of Once Upon A Time.

What ever happened to geniune love? The kind of love that gave you butterflies in your stomach. What happened to the moonlight stroll on the beach, laying out under the stars just because, always and forever kind of love? The kind of love that just the sound of their voice made your toes curl. It used to be people got married as a teenager. They were all so young. And they lasted a lifetime. What happened to that? These days, people get divorced more than getting and staying married. Why? What's so different now that you can't work it out and keep it together? Don't you dare blame it on "different times" because it was even harder then. Just what happened to happy love? Irreconcilible differences is the big one these days. Yes, people disagree. Always. That's ANY kind of relationship. Good, bad, or whatever. To divorce for that, though. Really? I mean, I'd understand if it was for adultry. But that? Yes. Relationships are hard. I know that and I'm 17. But, I have a hard time believing that differences are irreconcilible. You loved them once. What happened? There was some reason you fell in love with them or you would not have married them. Just hold on to that. Think back to the day you were happiest with them. Look back at photos and videos. Especially from the wedding. Think of all the memories you have made along the way. If you believe in those memories, they'll bring you back together. Just remember why you fell in love with them. Shouldn't that be enough?

...of Waiting.

My grandfather is in the hospital. He's not doing all that well. And he's been in for a week and a half and counting. Well, I was talking to a friend about it. And he was helping and all and giving me advice(which didn't work because i already knew all of it, but it was a sweet gesture). And he told me that the hard part is accepting that something very well could happen. I get where he's coming from and all, but I... disagree. That's not the hard part. For me, that's the easy part. If I had a checklist, that would be top three. I've already accepted that something could happen. Do I want it to? Absolutely not. Of course not. But, I've already long accepted that something could. He's old and anything's possible. For me, the harder part is.. waiting. Waiting for it to happen. Or waiting for healing and improvement. Whichever. It kills me to know that where it sits right now it could go either way. I need to know. I hate not knowing. I hate it. Also, the other hard part is not being able to be there. Spend time while you have it. He's too far away and I can't go see him. I hate not knowing what's going on at all times. That's the kind of person I am. I hate not knowing. I just wish I could be there at his side. Like he was for me all my life.

...of the Undeserving.

Have you ever had that one person who will never compare to anyone else? That one person who makes everything more magical and meaningful? The one who you would do anything for and you're not even sure they know it? The one who is nothing short of amazing and they don't even see it? The same person who you don't think they know what they mean to you even though you try your absolute hardest to show it? The one who will always come first no matter who comes and goes? The one you never, ever want to lose? The one you wish they felt all this same about you but as far as you can tell they don't as much as you wish? Only one person comes to mind as I ask these questions. And this person is legitimately the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm not sure what I'd do if I ever lost you. And even though I may not be the first thing that comes to your mind as you're going on your day, but you still remain that constant person. The person I know I need. I may not mean to you exactly what you mean to me but i guess i'm okay with that. Because I'd rather have the gratitude of being in my life as you are then not at all. Everytime I see you makes me love you that much more. And everytime I leave you it makes me look even more forward to seeing you the next time. Just seeing your name, or hearing your voice, secretly makes me melt. You take my breath away and you don't even know it. It's a wonder how I stay so calm around you. You do have that affect on me though. Calm and collected on the outside, screaming for your side on the inside. I'm so so so so lucky that you even give me the time of day. Because to be honest, I don't deserve it. Someone with the greatness as you have shouldn't be wasting it on someone like me. You come first, always and forever. You. mean. everything. I truly, wholeheartedly love you. Please don't lose your magic. <3

....of the inevitable.

Death. The only word that comes to mind when I think about it is: unfair. Yeah, I know it's all part of the cycle. but it still sucks. It takes people away from you. People you love. People you never have thought about having a chance of leaving anytime soon. It strikes at the most inconvenient of times. It hurts. Everyone. Even if you didn't know them personally, someone you love knew them and are upset about it. --> worst feeling ever, by the way. though I'm sure you get that too. It sucks bad enough when you hear it on the news, or it was an old relative that you saw coming. But, to have it be a beautiful teenager. That's just not even describable. The feeling you get when you hear about that, can't be spoken or written about. it's just there. always. To hear about someone so young dying WAY before they should. Before their time. It's just.. heartbreaking. He could've been that one who made all the difference. He could've discovered a new planet. He could've been the first person to beat the odds. He could've been the cure for cancer. He could've been the one who discovered world peace. He could've amounted to greatness. But one minute moment. When everything changes. Nothing is ever the same. Because they're gone. and no one could ever take their place. Ever. That kid could have amounted to everything. But instead their life was cut way too short. It shouldn't have happened. and it's almost impossible to believe. And it will always be with you. That's what sucks. About death. It's inevitable. Unavoidable(in most cases). Always happening. Still devastating.

... of the Perpetually Alone.

I must say, I absolutely adore these things. But now when I actually think about it, they depress me. When you're the girl who cannot keep and hold onto a friend to save your life, they're not so cute anymore. To me it represents the lost friendships. A heart broken in half. Resembles separation for me. I am just terrible at keeping friends. For the first time ever, I do not have one legitimate best friend(girl). I do not why nor do i know what is wrong with me. Am I really that bad that I get strung along for a year, maybe longer, then all of a sudden *poof* "Nope bye, Kaycie. Found better."? Best friends become aquaintanes, then fade to "oh hey! long time no see!" Then promises are made to catch up, which of course are never, ever kept. And the ones whom I've not lost, are hanging on by a thin, tiny fiber of thread. I just wish that there was someone I could legitimately call 'BFF', because the ones I thought were, clearly do not meet the criteria anymore.

.. of the second choice.

I wish that, just for once, I would be picked above others. That one day, I'd be the best option. I always fail in comparison to someone when it comes to the people I love. Especially you. You go back and forth between her and I and it's beginning to drive me crazy. Because as soon as you get her back you drop, and forget all about, me. Just once, I wish you'd think of me above her. Because I do matter. And you don't realize how much it hurts sometimes. I'd pick you over anyone else. Would it kill you to try and do the same?